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Monday, April 9, 2018

Healing Begins

I used to think that I couldn't hear God's voice.  Now I know I wasn't really listening for it.  The Bible promises that I hear His voice and He knows me! (John 10:27).  So I started asking God to help me hear His voice more.  The more I read His living word, the more I hear His voice!  One way I hear His voice is through worship music that really speaks to me.

Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

"So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear"

So between God and Kristie, I'm letting my walls fall to the ground!  I confessed to her this weekend that I ate cookies!  Thanks for listening and not being too mad that I didn't tell you before! ;)

I confess they were not plant-based cookies either.  They were Tim Horton's cookies (peanut butter and snickers).  You know how people say that after the 1st 3 bites they lose the amazingness?  I call bullshit!  Every single bite was amazing!  I went on a cookie binge for a couple months this past winter.  I slipped right back into my old mindset of saying things like...

"I already ate one cookie, I might as well eat the whole dozen!" 
"Today is ruined so I might as well eat whatever I want today and start over in the morning."

Then my size 10 jeans started to get tight and because it was winter I started wearing more yoga and sweatpants (mistake!).  I promised myself when I made it to 199 (onederland) that I would never let myself see 200 on the scale again, well I saw 205!!!!  


I started to feel a heavy weight of shame drape over me.  I started to do like I did in the past and try to do it all on my own.  Shock right?  Anyone that knows me knows that I am fiercely independent and think I can do it all by myself.  But God is trying to teach me to go to Him for help instead of cookies.  

I've been reading a devotional every morning and every night and journaling scriptures that speak to me that day.  Today was Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

So I started boldly asking God to help change my heart.  Help me turn to you instead of worldly things to comfort myself.  In my life, I've gone from one addiction to another (cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, food).  I obviously have the capacity to focus on something to the point of obsession (trust me I dreamt about cookies!).  So I asked God to help me have the same mental obsession with developing my relationship with Him.  

Part of my journey is learning to let go of shame.  Shame keeps me isolated.  I know I'm not the only person who struggles with the things I struggle with but I feel like I shouldn't be still struggling with these things.  That's the devil trying to keep me from walking in my destiny!  

Another song that I've been listening to a lot is Beautiful messes by Hillary Scott.

"Are you spinning in a lie that keeps on telling you that you're not good enough?"

Umm, why yes I am! I've never felt good enough.  

"And when you're looking in the mirror, do you see someone impossible to love?"

Yup!  Who's going to love me with all this saggy skin and all the rest of my flaws?  I don't love them so how can I expect someone else to?

God loves the beautiful mess called Denise!  He sees all the holes in my heart, my faults, my secrets, my scars and says I love you anyway!  I'm laying down my beautiful mess at the foot of the cross and accept his Amazing Grace!  

So I wrote all this to publicly say, I'm not perfect.  I still struggle.  My journey is not easy and there have been a lot of ups and downs but God has made me to glow in the dark!  Yes, I'm going to quote another song because I hope you listen to them too and it fills you with the same hope!

"Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark
Don't be ashamed of your past
If you're shattered like a piece of glass
The more broke you are the more the light gets through
Show your wounds and your flaws
Show them why you still need the cross
Let them see the work He's doing in you" (Jason Gray)

Ok, God, I hear you now help me be brave enough to obey! 

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